"Spanish Moss" is a story about growing up and becoming experienced with oneself and others in an intimate way. This is a story that has been told many times, but Ethan does a good job of providing a sense of understanding in the character that most lack. As they are rushing to grow up, his friends Blake and Tommy try to instigate things, as all friends do, and they realize sometimes growing up isn't always what you've done or who you've been with. Instead it is a true experience of life and everything associated with it.
I really enjoyed your use of the title. I thought opening and closing the story with spanish moss was a good move on your part and it kept me very interested. However; it also led to one of my critiques. I felt the ending was a little to open. I would personally develop that a little more and give it a more definitive tone. It will also help exemplify your character's final change.
Overall. I think you did a very good job taking a typical story and making it interesting. I think you did a really good job humanizing your characters. I would have liked to see a little more dialogue between them because I wanted to see more interaction between the friends themselves. I also wanted a little more background information on the friends. Other than that, you did a very good job with them.
In the end, you did a great job with this story and I really enjoyed reading it. It takes a lot to keep a reader interested during a familiar story, but you do that very well. I would like to see a final copy of this once you finish your revisions. Good Luck!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Response to "As Big As Light" by Robert Elrod
"As Big As Light" is a story about a main character who is losing his memory and because of that memory loss a doctor wants him to write down his thoughts and memories. When doing so, it becomes clear that he was a house servant of some kind. At this point, he begins telling stories of Huxley Manor, which include the son telling his story of his dying mother.
Throughout the story, there are vivid images and extremely humanistic qualities. I think Robert does an excellent job describing Huxley Manor and everything it represents. He also does a great job with smaller details such as the painting. The setting throughout the story is great and provides a smooth and clear tone for the entire story.
The characters are very good and very believable. The only thing I wanted to see more of is more background on them. I want know what kind of person James really is and what makes him the way he is. I think the servant's perspective is a great idea. It provides such an interesting idea of what these people are like and think you could show a lot more of these other characters through him. I think doing this would also provide a higher emotional state and help some of the things easier to relate to .
The beginning and ending were both great. You do an excellent job of building up and having me invested in the story. I also thought the ending, which consisted of the son being strong was an excellent touch. I feel like that character responded in a very humanistic way and that was all he had left. The fact that he recognized that was very interesting. I would like to know a little more of why he reacted the way he did.
In the end, great story and great job.
Throughout the story, there are vivid images and extremely humanistic qualities. I think Robert does an excellent job describing Huxley Manor and everything it represents. He also does a great job with smaller details such as the painting. The setting throughout the story is great and provides a smooth and clear tone for the entire story.
The characters are very good and very believable. The only thing I wanted to see more of is more background on them. I want know what kind of person James really is and what makes him the way he is. I think the servant's perspective is a great idea. It provides such an interesting idea of what these people are like and think you could show a lot more of these other characters through him. I think doing this would also provide a higher emotional state and help some of the things easier to relate to .
The beginning and ending were both great. You do an excellent job of building up and having me invested in the story. I also thought the ending, which consisted of the son being strong was an excellent touch. I feel like that character responded in a very humanistic way and that was all he had left. The fact that he recognized that was very interesting. I would like to know a little more of why he reacted the way he did.
In the end, great story and great job.
Response to "A Dream" by J.J. Nelson
"A Dream" is the story of a struggling writer/stoner. It is the tory of someone trying to figure out who they are in a world that doesn't make sense and all the while trying to force himself to live a life he thinks should be the one lived. Yet, the main character battles his morals day in and day out, constantly questioning himself and everything he chooses to do. Because of this, the main character is left with nothing, but thoughts that are tainted by weed and self-loathing. This continues until the character finally goes through change and begins to write stories.
Overall, I found this story very interesting. I think we all have friends similar to this and I honestly felt like I was inside their heads, but it was more than just the stoner talk. I felt as if you captured their personality and their desire to escape because of the world making them want to forget. It leads to a very interesting story about someone struggling with themselves, which is always an interesting topic to me.
One of my favorite things about all your stories are the little details. For example, the use of the Killer's song as a distraction or the vivid description of a gravity bong hit. I think you did an excellent job with that. However, on those same notes, I wanted to see more of an affect each one of those things had, especially with the gravity bong.
The beginning of this story is good. It really sets the tone for the rest of the story. It also provides a good insight to what makes the character tick and want to forget some of the things he has experienced. The end left me hanging a little bit. I wanted to know more about the story or what happened with the stories. I think you did a really good job building it up, but I personally want to know what happened with them.
In the end, this is a really good story with a really interesting perspective. It is filled with a lot of good details and a lot of potential. The characters are your strongest point by far, so consider using them more. Otherwise, great job.
Overall, I found this story very interesting. I think we all have friends similar to this and I honestly felt like I was inside their heads, but it was more than just the stoner talk. I felt as if you captured their personality and their desire to escape because of the world making them want to forget. It leads to a very interesting story about someone struggling with themselves, which is always an interesting topic to me.
One of my favorite things about all your stories are the little details. For example, the use of the Killer's song as a distraction or the vivid description of a gravity bong hit. I think you did an excellent job with that. However, on those same notes, I wanted to see more of an affect each one of those things had, especially with the gravity bong.
The beginning of this story is good. It really sets the tone for the rest of the story. It also provides a good insight to what makes the character tick and want to forget some of the things he has experienced. The end left me hanging a little bit. I wanted to know more about the story or what happened with the stories. I think you did a really good job building it up, but I personally want to know what happened with them.
In the end, this is a really good story with a really interesting perspective. It is filled with a lot of good details and a lot of potential. The characters are your strongest point by far, so consider using them more. Otherwise, great job.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
A Response to "Dreams and Reality" by Lauren B.
"Dreams and Reality"is a story about a young man with dreams and aspirations. He desires to go and play baseball at Ole Miss, while earning a law degree. Yet, once he arrives, after much preparation, things do not go as planned and all seems at waste. All the years of saving up money, practicing, and telling his parents that he was cut out to be something better, was gone. Once tryouts were over, the main character had an epiphany. He realized that he was born to run the family business and stay home to help out his parents. His whole life they told him this, but he never agreed until that moment. He also found an envelope with plane tickets and money, which showed they supported him all along.
Overall, I think this is a good story, but it is too short. I think you could really make this story great if you expanded in a few areas. For example, I want to see more about tryouts. I also want to know more about how the character is affected the moment he realized he wasn't going to make it. Lastly, I want to see the conversation the coach had with him about not being cut out for college baseball.
The characters are good, but I was left wanting more descriptions. I want to see more of the main characters personality and more dialogue with the coach and parents. Show through the dialogue exactly what he is going through. Show the contemplations involved with going against the grain and failing.
I think the first person narrator worked nicely here. It provided a different tone to the story than one we are use to.
In the end, I think the story has a good premise, but just moves too fast. Slow it down and expand it. You have a good build up in the beginning and a good ending, so use it to your advantage. With those simple corrections or some variation of them, I think you will have a great story.
Overall, I think this is a good story, but it is too short. I think you could really make this story great if you expanded in a few areas. For example, I want to see more about tryouts. I also want to know more about how the character is affected the moment he realized he wasn't going to make it. Lastly, I want to see the conversation the coach had with him about not being cut out for college baseball.
The characters are good, but I was left wanting more descriptions. I want to see more of the main characters personality and more dialogue with the coach and parents. Show through the dialogue exactly what he is going through. Show the contemplations involved with going against the grain and failing.
I think the first person narrator worked nicely here. It provided a different tone to the story than one we are use to.
In the end, I think the story has a good premise, but just moves too fast. Slow it down and expand it. You have a good build up in the beginning and a good ending, so use it to your advantage. With those simple corrections or some variation of them, I think you will have a great story.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
A Response to Kody Blackwell's "Whatever Gods May Be"
"Whatever God's May Be" is a fascinating story about a man named Thomas Abrams. This is a man struggling with faith and cannot understand why. He sees the same miracles in every day life, such as seeing his son born and having a consoling and understanding friend named Bert, but nothing resonates with him like it should. He simply does not believe anymore. Abrams tries to push through the doubt and continue preaching to his congregation and giving them the answers they so long to hear, but he just cannot fake it anymore. So, one day he stands up and announces that he is stepping down as pastor from the church to try and find his faith. From that point on, Thomas Abrams will never understand the likes of God again and has no idea why.
Overall, this is a great story with an excellent premise. I think Kody's attention to detail is spot on and his references are great. He shows a strong understanding of the subject matter and the true battle people face on a daily basis with religion. Whats even more interesting to me is he poses the question,"What would happen if we just couldn't believe anymore? Do we just fake it?" Regardless, you have brought up some very interesting points and address them very well.
I think the characters are the reason this story works so well. You do a great job of establishing a voice within your main character and you personalize him very well. Also, the character of Bert and Bethany do a great job of contrasting the main character and his views. It provides a very good balance to the story. One that is usually missing from stories like this.
The story is told in third person, but could be worth considering to be told in first. I think by doing that you could add a very interesting thought process. I really want to see what is going through Abrams head throughout the whole story. Such as how he deals with this conflict and why he continues to push through something even though his passion has diminished.
I would also like to see a little more setting. Yet, be careful with that suggestion because too much will take away from the excellent story.
In the end, I think you have written a really well crafted story and cannot wait to read a final draft.
Overall, this is a great story with an excellent premise. I think Kody's attention to detail is spot on and his references are great. He shows a strong understanding of the subject matter and the true battle people face on a daily basis with religion. Whats even more interesting to me is he poses the question,"What would happen if we just couldn't believe anymore? Do we just fake it?" Regardless, you have brought up some very interesting points and address them very well.
I think the characters are the reason this story works so well. You do a great job of establishing a voice within your main character and you personalize him very well. Also, the character of Bert and Bethany do a great job of contrasting the main character and his views. It provides a very good balance to the story. One that is usually missing from stories like this.
The story is told in third person, but could be worth considering to be told in first. I think by doing that you could add a very interesting thought process. I really want to see what is going through Abrams head throughout the whole story. Such as how he deals with this conflict and why he continues to push through something even though his passion has diminished.
I would also like to see a little more setting. Yet, be careful with that suggestion because too much will take away from the excellent story.
In the end, I think you have written a really well crafted story and cannot wait to read a final draft.
Response to "Casting Shadows" by Jeremy Hare
Casting Shadows is a story about a main character who dies in a fire. Then the main character experiences the afterlife and is stuck in purgatory. In his afterlife, he describes death, meets Kain, and is trained to become a soul catcher. Once she realizes goes through all of this, she begins to realize the freak fire she died in was not an accident, she was killed for her soul. At this point, the main character decides to take her own life instead of working for cain, thus giving her the poetic justice she deserves.
Overall, I think you have written a very interesting story. It is certainly not the same story we have heard before and does a nice job of presenting a new scenario. I think with some revision this could be a very good story based on the foundation at hand.
The first thing that sticks out to me is the characters themselves. I think you do a good job at describing Kain, but I want to see more in all the other characters. I also want to see more dialogue exchanged between them. While I agree exposition is your strong point, I think you could create some interesting dialogue here that would add a nice dimension to your story.
The setting of the story takes place in a few different areas. First it takes place in the infirmary, then in purgatory, and some kind of training room. I think the infirmary was well described, but I want to know more about purgatory. I think this could be an excellent setting of a story, but sense I know nothing about it you need to create more of an image for the reader. I feel the same thing about the training room and describe how each one made the characters feel and how that led to a different interaction.
The story is told from a first-person narrative, which I think works well here.
One final note, I want to see more of a reason for Kain turning her into a soul catcher. If you did put a reason in there, I apologize for not recognizing it. Regardless, I think it needs to be more clearly defined. Other than that, great job and good luck revising.
Overall, I think you have written a very interesting story. It is certainly not the same story we have heard before and does a nice job of presenting a new scenario. I think with some revision this could be a very good story based on the foundation at hand.
The first thing that sticks out to me is the characters themselves. I think you do a good job at describing Kain, but I want to see more in all the other characters. I also want to see more dialogue exchanged between them. While I agree exposition is your strong point, I think you could create some interesting dialogue here that would add a nice dimension to your story.
The setting of the story takes place in a few different areas. First it takes place in the infirmary, then in purgatory, and some kind of training room. I think the infirmary was well described, but I want to know more about purgatory. I think this could be an excellent setting of a story, but sense I know nothing about it you need to create more of an image for the reader. I feel the same thing about the training room and describe how each one made the characters feel and how that led to a different interaction.
The story is told from a first-person narrative, which I think works well here.
One final note, I want to see more of a reason for Kain turning her into a soul catcher. If you did put a reason in there, I apologize for not recognizing it. Regardless, I think it needs to be more clearly defined. Other than that, great job and good luck revising.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Response to "Once in a Lifetime" by Jhumpa Lahiri
Jhumpa Lahir's "Once in a Liftetime is a story about a young Indian girl growing up in modern America. She retells the story of how her parents met their closest friends, made it through Ph.D. programs, and lost their friends again. She tells this story through the eyes of the daughter, who is an only child. Yet, the story fully takes flight when her parents take in their best friends, who have returned from India. However, the family has no idea why. All they know is how much Dr. Choudhuri and his family have changed. It was described as being Americanized and it was shown through examples like the bottle of Johnny Walker. The only difference in the family is a son, who the daughter is timid around. That is, until she learns the true secret of their return, which is because his mom has breast cancer. This leads to a completely new element of the story because it really affects the daughter, but not in a sympathetic way. Instead, she reacts in a horrified way that she was in such close proximity with the disease. Regardless, she promises not to tell her family and she does just that. The story ends with her parents feeling snubbed because of their lack of communication with Dr. Choudhuri and his family. Only their daughter knows the truth, but she is determined to keep her promise.
I was personally not a fan of this story. While I really appreciated the main character's tone, it felt extremely slow. By that I mean, the story itself. She narrated it in a very drawn out fashion and I feel like the story could have been condensed. I also feel like there was not enough change to warrant the length of the story.
I did really enjoy her descriptions and sense of setting. I thought her descriptions of her mothers home was great. I also really enjoyed the development of the parents character and how they stayed true to keeping things a secret because of how prideful they were. It makes for a very interesting dynamic.
Another thing I wanted to see more of was the son. While we did see him more at the end, I wanted to see him much earlier. I also wanted to see him interact more at the dinner table we they first saw one another again. I did really enjoy their relationship and thought it progressed nicely.
If I could take anything from this story, it would be how real her characters felt. I almost felt like it was a non-fiction story and I think this was due to how strong her dialogue and descriptions were.
Overall, it was not by any means my favorite story, but it has the mark of an excellent writer and she demonstrates a very good use of her skills.
I was personally not a fan of this story. While I really appreciated the main character's tone, it felt extremely slow. By that I mean, the story itself. She narrated it in a very drawn out fashion and I feel like the story could have been condensed. I also feel like there was not enough change to warrant the length of the story.
I did really enjoy her descriptions and sense of setting. I thought her descriptions of her mothers home was great. I also really enjoyed the development of the parents character and how they stayed true to keeping things a secret because of how prideful they were. It makes for a very interesting dynamic.
Another thing I wanted to see more of was the son. While we did see him more at the end, I wanted to see him much earlier. I also wanted to see him interact more at the dinner table we they first saw one another again. I did really enjoy their relationship and thought it progressed nicely.
If I could take anything from this story, it would be how real her characters felt. I almost felt like it was a non-fiction story and I think this was due to how strong her dialogue and descriptions were.
Overall, it was not by any means my favorite story, but it has the mark of an excellent writer and she demonstrates a very good use of her skills.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Respons to "Meow" by Cary Bayless
Meow is a first person story about a main character who seems to have autism and is just trying to learn his way through life. The main character, Cyril, begins by being in a place he is not supposed to be and gets in some trouble for it. He demonstrates his inability to understand through this scene. However, he shows what he is good at as well, which is counting. Cyril then goes to captain d's for a fish sandwich with Earl and Jimmy-Cat. At this point, he finds out Jimmy-Cat is a female and has had a litter of kittens. Once again, Cyril is left trying to understand, but what he does understand is Earl and Cyril are happy to see him, which he is so desperately looking for.
Overall, I think you have an interesting story here. I think you need to develop Cyril's character a little more and define the setting as well. Once you revise those small changes, I think you will have a great story.
As far as Cyril goes, I think he is a very interesting character. I did want some more background information on him. I also wanted him to have more interaction with other characters. I wanted to see more of his inability to understand. I believe this would help the reader believe in the change at the end. I also want to know more about your secondary characters as well, especially Earl. Why does Earl sympathize with Cyril?
The other thing I wanted to see more of was setting. You do a good job of describing certain things, but I want to see more of those. I think your story would benefit a great deal with a stronger sense of setting.
The beginning and the end are good. I think you do a great job introducing the character and showing what exactly you wanted us to see. I wanted to see a more significant change at the end. I think if you tried some of the suggestions above it would make a greater impact with your ending. I think it would be interesting to see what Cyril really learned or if he learned anything because of his disability.
Overall, I really liked the point of view that was used in the story. It has a very strong tone. Although, I would like to see more of Cyril's personality in it, but just a small amount.
In the end, this is a really good story and I hope to read the final version.
Overall, I think you have an interesting story here. I think you need to develop Cyril's character a little more and define the setting as well. Once you revise those small changes, I think you will have a great story.
As far as Cyril goes, I think he is a very interesting character. I did want some more background information on him. I also wanted him to have more interaction with other characters. I wanted to see more of his inability to understand. I believe this would help the reader believe in the change at the end. I also want to know more about your secondary characters as well, especially Earl. Why does Earl sympathize with Cyril?
The other thing I wanted to see more of was setting. You do a good job of describing certain things, but I want to see more of those. I think your story would benefit a great deal with a stronger sense of setting.
The beginning and the end are good. I think you do a great job introducing the character and showing what exactly you wanted us to see. I wanted to see a more significant change at the end. I think if you tried some of the suggestions above it would make a greater impact with your ending. I think it would be interesting to see what Cyril really learned or if he learned anything because of his disability.
Overall, I really liked the point of view that was used in the story. It has a very strong tone. Although, I would like to see more of Cyril's personality in it, but just a small amount.
In the end, this is a really good story and I hope to read the final version.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Response to "Perfect" Laurel Kostakis
Perfect is about a girl struggling to find the difference between who she is and who she wants to be. Throughout all of high school she was not liked and all of the other things that made high school horrible. So, in the next phase of her life, it is time to reinvent her life. She does so by understanding her beauty, making more friends, and creating a life of popularity. In my opinion, she creates a fake reality around herself and convinces herself that these things are real. An example of this is when she dumps her best friend because of a superiority complex.
I think you have a very interesting story and a very interesting perspective. I think you show an interesting development within the main character. By doing so, it really allows the reader to care about the character and actually relate very easily to her. That being said, I think you did a great job with the main character. I wanted to see more descriptions of her and more dialogue with her, but I think she works very well. She is that girl everyone knows.
One of the things I would like to see you work on is a defined setting. While you do have a scene, it is not really described or defined. I think it would even be interesting if you defined it through her eyes in a superficial way, which will help show the change more.
I think the ending and the beginning of the story are very good. I enjoyed the implied ending you had with the girl that had hope. In my opinion, it really solidified change within the character. Yet, it did so very subtly and elegantly. I really like the fact you didn't tell us how she changed, instead you showed us.
Another thing I would suggest, is checking over you tense changes. I have this very same problem and it is a tough one to get around. Yet, sometimes it takes away from your story because I am trying to determine if the narrator is speaking or the main girl is.
Other than that, I think you have a great story here. Keep up the good work on it.
I think you have a very interesting story and a very interesting perspective. I think you show an interesting development within the main character. By doing so, it really allows the reader to care about the character and actually relate very easily to her. That being said, I think you did a great job with the main character. I wanted to see more descriptions of her and more dialogue with her, but I think she works very well. She is that girl everyone knows.
One of the things I would like to see you work on is a defined setting. While you do have a scene, it is not really described or defined. I think it would even be interesting if you defined it through her eyes in a superficial way, which will help show the change more.
I think the ending and the beginning of the story are very good. I enjoyed the implied ending you had with the girl that had hope. In my opinion, it really solidified change within the character. Yet, it did so very subtly and elegantly. I really like the fact you didn't tell us how she changed, instead you showed us.
Another thing I would suggest, is checking over you tense changes. I have this very same problem and it is a tough one to get around. Yet, sometimes it takes away from your story because I am trying to determine if the narrator is speaking or the main girl is.
Other than that, I think you have a great story here. Keep up the good work on it.
Response to "Cats" by Rhamah Norris
Cats is about a lady who runs an animal shelter and struggles to give away animals she considers to be worthy of adoption. This is especially the case with a cat named Lilly, who is friendly and lovable. She always states "What a shame" when nobody adopts her or she gets into conversations about her. At the end of the story, a boy comes along who is trying to revive his dog's spirit by replacing his cat. In doing so, he attempts to buy lilly in a hurried sense. Lilly respond in rage and lashes out in a hissy way and claws the boy across the face. The lady quickly runs the boy past the cat, knowing it was her idea. She then cleans him up and the boy does not end up adopting the cat, nor any other animal.
Overall, I think you have a ton of potential for a good story here. I think you character is a very good one and built up very well. I would like to see more personality in her though. Consider adding a little more in her dialogue. Also, I wanted to see more physical descriptions of the characters, especially the main character.
I think your setting needs to be more defined and more described. I like the fact you have it at an animal shelter, use it. It would make for a very interesting point of the story.
I think in the parts you used dialogue in the story, you used them well. I would suggest you add more dialogue. I think it would have added to the moment at the end if you would have added more dialogue.
For the beginning and ending, I think you were at your best. The beginning started with a strong presence and so did the ending. I think the ending needs to be fleshed out a little more. For example, I would like to know what happens to Lilly or imply what happens.
In the end, I think you did a great job with this story and it has the potential to be something even better.
Overall, I think you have a ton of potential for a good story here. I think you character is a very good one and built up very well. I would like to see more personality in her though. Consider adding a little more in her dialogue. Also, I wanted to see more physical descriptions of the characters, especially the main character.
I think your setting needs to be more defined and more described. I like the fact you have it at an animal shelter, use it. It would make for a very interesting point of the story.
I think in the parts you used dialogue in the story, you used them well. I would suggest you add more dialogue. I think it would have added to the moment at the end if you would have added more dialogue.
For the beginning and ending, I think you were at your best. The beginning started with a strong presence and so did the ending. I think the ending needs to be fleshed out a little more. For example, I would like to know what happens to Lilly or imply what happens.
In the end, I think you did a great job with this story and it has the potential to be something even better.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children"
David Foster Wallace's story is a very vivd tale. I've read this story several times and with each read it still manages to affect me in a cringing manner. However, they way Foster describes the scene is what makes his story so effective. He builds character and emotion, only to rip it all away from you.
What I really admire from this story is how Foster can write a general story, but still make you strong relate to these characters. Honestly, these could be any parents, but Foster makes you feel as if they are your children. He does this through imagery, description, and a strong understand of how to convey emotion. He also does an excellent job at creating a scene and a setting. Foster uses something so simple to do this, but that is what makes it so relatable. Also, by creating a scene so simple, he can focus more on the emotions of the parents.
My favorite part of the story, oddly enough, is the end. I think Foster does an excellent job with the outcome, mostly due to the way he presents the information. Foster presents the ending as an innocent child who just had his/her life taken away from them. Yet, the parents did nothing wrong, it was merely time. He also discusses how the cycle will come full circle when it rains. In my opinion, this is very powerful because once again, the child has passed on but Foster has made you care so much that it moves you.
Overall, I think this is a great story. I truly appreciate the realism incorporated within every aspect of this story. I also appreciate how Foster does not shy away from the horror, but describes it in such a poetic way that you are forced to relate. If I could take one thing from his writing, it would be that. Foster uses this skill flawlessly within this poem and it shows within the attachment of the reader.
What I really admire from this story is how Foster can write a general story, but still make you strong relate to these characters. Honestly, these could be any parents, but Foster makes you feel as if they are your children. He does this through imagery, description, and a strong understand of how to convey emotion. He also does an excellent job at creating a scene and a setting. Foster uses something so simple to do this, but that is what makes it so relatable. Also, by creating a scene so simple, he can focus more on the emotions of the parents.
My favorite part of the story, oddly enough, is the end. I think Foster does an excellent job with the outcome, mostly due to the way he presents the information. Foster presents the ending as an innocent child who just had his/her life taken away from them. Yet, the parents did nothing wrong, it was merely time. He also discusses how the cycle will come full circle when it rains. In my opinion, this is very powerful because once again, the child has passed on but Foster has made you care so much that it moves you.
Overall, I think this is a great story. I truly appreciate the realism incorporated within every aspect of this story. I also appreciate how Foster does not shy away from the horror, but describes it in such a poetic way that you are forced to relate. If I could take one thing from his writing, it would be that. Foster uses this skill flawlessly within this poem and it shows within the attachment of the reader.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Response to "The Summer of Lemon Drops" by Nate Lundberg
"The Summer of Lemon Drops" is a story about a youth serving his community service. We are not exactly sure why he is serving the community service, but he is doing so instead of interning in New York. During his community service, he has to work with a gentlemen named John. John was dedicated to his job, but he was more dedicated to tricking the main character. He did so by creating a fake box of gold, which the main character played right into. By the end of the story, the main character was convince that John was merely on this earth to torture him.
Overall, I think you have a very strong story. I really like the aspect of the "lemon drops." However, I do think you should incorporate it more than twice. It could be a really interesting way to take your story to a different level of development. I do think your main character needs a little more developing. For example, I want to know the crime he committed to get him the community service. Also, has he committed a crime before.
The story is told in first person and from the standpoint of the narrator. I think this story works well in first person. Although, it might be interesting to hear some of the story from John's perspective. Perhaps, considering giving him more personality and more relateability.
The characters are good, but they do need to be fine tuned a bit. I want to know more about how the main character views the judge and justice system. I feel like he would be bitter about them, especially since they are holding up his future.
The setting of this story is good and well-defined. It revolves around community service in Cape Canaveral Florida.
The opening of the story is very strong. I really like you analogy of people having two faces. I did want you to go into more detail about what that meant and what the difference in the two faces are (Physically). I also wanted you to describe the judge and courtroom more.
I feel like this ending has a bunch of potential, but I felt like I was missing something. I do not feel like the main character really experienced a change. It was more of a selfish realization, which is something I am currently working on in my own stories, so I understand. Consider showing a change by the way he reacts to John once he finds out the box is fake. This would also add more depth to both sets of characters.
Overall, I think you have a very strong story. I really like the aspect of the "lemon drops." However, I do think you should incorporate it more than twice. It could be a really interesting way to take your story to a different level of development. I do think your main character needs a little more developing. For example, I want to know the crime he committed to get him the community service. Also, has he committed a crime before.
The story is told in first person and from the standpoint of the narrator. I think this story works well in first person. Although, it might be interesting to hear some of the story from John's perspective. Perhaps, considering giving him more personality and more relateability.
The characters are good, but they do need to be fine tuned a bit. I want to know more about how the main character views the judge and justice system. I feel like he would be bitter about them, especially since they are holding up his future.
The setting of this story is good and well-defined. It revolves around community service in Cape Canaveral Florida.
The opening of the story is very strong. I really like you analogy of people having two faces. I did want you to go into more detail about what that meant and what the difference in the two faces are (Physically). I also wanted you to describe the judge and courtroom more.
I feel like this ending has a bunch of potential, but I felt like I was missing something. I do not feel like the main character really experienced a change. It was more of a selfish realization, which is something I am currently working on in my own stories, so I understand. Consider showing a change by the way he reacts to John once he finds out the box is fake. This would also add more depth to both sets of characters.
Response to "Animals" by Adam Smith
"Animals" is a story about a guy with animalistic instincts, which embodies all men. However, this guy uses his animal instincts to corrupt a young girl named Jenny. Jenny was a sweet and innocent young lady, but drawn to the dark side of romance. With the help of her romantic pursuit, she is led into a life of theft and ultimately a side of life she grew to adore. Unfortunately, the main character is forced to witness all of the change within Jenny and blames himself for her actions. Upon witnessing the monster he created, the main character has a gut check moment and has no clue how to fix it.
Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I think it has a good premise and it kept me interested throughout. However, I did want to see more character development from both main characters. I think you do a good job explaining their emotions, but I want to see these as well. I think giving the story a definitive setting would help out this problem as well. I would also like to see more personality within Jenny. I feel as if most of what we know about her comes from the main character explaining. I want to see why she is so innocent, why she does not kill bugs, and what triggered her thievery.
The story is told from a first person standpoint. It is told through the eyes of the narrator a I think it works well with that. I think you need to tell this story in first person so the characters are more relatable.
The setting of this story is a bit undefined to me. Of course, in a few places it becomes clear, such as Italy. However, for the most part, I felt lost about where I was. There were several references to southern roots, such as the barn dance. Regardless, I was never sure.
The characters in the story seem very realistic. I think you do a great job of outlining them and putting them into real situations. I also like how you associated the observations of certain character traits (Self-indulgent guy, Innocent girl). As I stated earlier, I still want to see more development within the characters. Also, I want a stronger sense of change at the end of the story.
The opening was good, but I wanted more description of the place having the item stolen. Also, I want to see more emotion within the main character. Talk about the dazzle in his eye when he stole something.
The ending was very good and interesting. I personally liked the indirect ending, but in order to pull this off I need a general direction to be steered in. I want to have an idea of what the main character is about to do, but I honestly, I have no idea.
Overall, Great job and you have an excellent story here.
Overall, I really enjoyed your story. I think it has a good premise and it kept me interested throughout. However, I did want to see more character development from both main characters. I think you do a good job explaining their emotions, but I want to see these as well. I think giving the story a definitive setting would help out this problem as well. I would also like to see more personality within Jenny. I feel as if most of what we know about her comes from the main character explaining. I want to see why she is so innocent, why she does not kill bugs, and what triggered her thievery.
The story is told from a first person standpoint. It is told through the eyes of the narrator a I think it works well with that. I think you need to tell this story in first person so the characters are more relatable.
The setting of this story is a bit undefined to me. Of course, in a few places it becomes clear, such as Italy. However, for the most part, I felt lost about where I was. There were several references to southern roots, such as the barn dance. Regardless, I was never sure.
The characters in the story seem very realistic. I think you do a great job of outlining them and putting them into real situations. I also like how you associated the observations of certain character traits (Self-indulgent guy, Innocent girl). As I stated earlier, I still want to see more development within the characters. Also, I want a stronger sense of change at the end of the story.
The opening was good, but I wanted more description of the place having the item stolen. Also, I want to see more emotion within the main character. Talk about the dazzle in his eye when he stole something.
The ending was very good and interesting. I personally liked the indirect ending, but in order to pull this off I need a general direction to be steered in. I want to have an idea of what the main character is about to do, but I honestly, I have no idea.
Overall, Great job and you have an excellent story here.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Response to "The Grind" by Cole Eady
"The Grind" is about a fresh graduate from Boston University, who is named Skipper Fischer. Skip is an excellent writer looking to make it on a late night talk show. The majority of the story goes through Skip's interview process and how it affects him. Skip is very determined throughout this whole process and even gets an interview with the talk show host himself, Stewart Donahue. Yet, in Skip's final interview he sees how corrupted the T.V. show business is and wants nothing to do with it. In a fit of rage, he tosses his notebook on the table and walks out without any care.
Overall, I was very intrigued by your story. I think you have a good sense of setting, which is show through some great descriptions. I also liked your characters, especially Donahue. You also have a very good sense of humor, as shown through a few of the one liners.
The setting revolves around the interview and the Late Night talk show, which is in a tv studio in New York. I would work on a few of your descriptions regarding setting. I think you need a better balance of descriptive because at times you are extremely descriptive and then sometimes you are not. I want to see a more cohesive level of descriptions.
The story is told through the eyes of Skipper Fisher, which is effective in my mind. I think this story would be interesting if you found a way to incorporate a Matin's and Mr. Donahue's perspective. I believe this would give it a very interesting contrast.
I think your characters are good and are well drawn out. I did want more description from Martin, but Skip and Donahue were described very well.
Overall, the begging was good, but I think it could be condensed in a few places. I feel at times you go a little too far with the background information.
The ending was good, but I wanted to see more with Skip. I wanted to see him walkout and what he was thinking, perhaps how it was affecting him. Use this to show a strong emotional change in him because this was something he was permanently attached to and now it is gone in seconds.
Overall, I was very intrigued by your story. I think you have a good sense of setting, which is show through some great descriptions. I also liked your characters, especially Donahue. You also have a very good sense of humor, as shown through a few of the one liners.
The setting revolves around the interview and the Late Night talk show, which is in a tv studio in New York. I would work on a few of your descriptions regarding setting. I think you need a better balance of descriptive because at times you are extremely descriptive and then sometimes you are not. I want to see a more cohesive level of descriptions.
The story is told through the eyes of Skipper Fisher, which is effective in my mind. I think this story would be interesting if you found a way to incorporate a Matin's and Mr. Donahue's perspective. I believe this would give it a very interesting contrast.
I think your characters are good and are well drawn out. I did want more description from Martin, but Skip and Donahue were described very well.
Overall, the begging was good, but I think it could be condensed in a few places. I feel at times you go a little too far with the background information.
The ending was good, but I wanted to see more with Skip. I wanted to see him walkout and what he was thinking, perhaps how it was affecting him. Use this to show a strong emotional change in him because this was something he was permanently attached to and now it is gone in seconds.
"Over the Counter" by Kody Blackwell
"Over the Counter" is a story about a man in the midst of tough times. He has a family, divorced, and the bills are stacking up. In order to deal with this, he learns of selling prescription drugs to make money on the side. This causes a personal dilemma within his life because he has a family to consider, not to mention all the moral convictions he would be voiding. However, is house is being foreclosed on and he does not have much choice. At the end, he decides to steal the pills when nobody is looking and begin his selling of illegal drugs for the sake of his family.
Overall, the story has a solid premise. I think you also did a good job with the main character's self-confliction. He is put in a pretty rough situation and I think he gives a pretty realistic reaction (stealing the pills.) In my opinion, I think the kids were very good characters; however, you do need to make them more involved. I also found it interesting that Preacher John was used to contrast his conscience. I thought that was a good tactic, even if he fell asleep in church.
The setting takes place over the span of a few places. The majority of it takes place in the pharmacy. It also takes place at a bar, church, house, and "Mama's" house. I think you should focus more on a direct setting. Obviously the bar and the pharmacy are your main two.
The story is told from the eyes of the main character.
The characters in the story have potential to be very good, but as it stands I think they need to be fleshed out more, especially the main character. To me, the main character has a sense of desperation when considering his wife. I would like to see that more and possibly and explanation why. I think you could do some really interesting character contrasts with Tim and the main character. Also, I want to know more about the kids and how the affect the main character's life besides the obvious. I would also like to see how the divorce affects the kids on a general level.
The opening was good as a whole. I really enjoyed the church scene and thought you did a good job depicting it. The only thing I would suggest, is making the main character feel bad about falling asleep in church. I think this because it will make his moral convictions more believable later, especially in the case of stealing the drugs. This would also give him a a stronger sense of humility, which you need to feel sympathy for the character.
I feel like the ending was missing something. That being said, I would develop the ending more and maybe even give an outcome. I would personally like to know what happened with the main character (If he was caught by the cameras or something).
Overall, the story has a solid premise. I think you also did a good job with the main character's self-confliction. He is put in a pretty rough situation and I think he gives a pretty realistic reaction (stealing the pills.) In my opinion, I think the kids were very good characters; however, you do need to make them more involved. I also found it interesting that Preacher John was used to contrast his conscience. I thought that was a good tactic, even if he fell asleep in church.
The setting takes place over the span of a few places. The majority of it takes place in the pharmacy. It also takes place at a bar, church, house, and "Mama's" house. I think you should focus more on a direct setting. Obviously the bar and the pharmacy are your main two.
The story is told from the eyes of the main character.
The characters in the story have potential to be very good, but as it stands I think they need to be fleshed out more, especially the main character. To me, the main character has a sense of desperation when considering his wife. I would like to see that more and possibly and explanation why. I think you could do some really interesting character contrasts with Tim and the main character. Also, I want to know more about the kids and how the affect the main character's life besides the obvious. I would also like to see how the divorce affects the kids on a general level.
The opening was good as a whole. I really enjoyed the church scene and thought you did a good job depicting it. The only thing I would suggest, is making the main character feel bad about falling asleep in church. I think this because it will make his moral convictions more believable later, especially in the case of stealing the drugs. This would also give him a a stronger sense of humility, which you need to feel sympathy for the character.
I feel like the ending was missing something. That being said, I would develop the ending more and maybe even give an outcome. I would personally like to know what happened with the main character (If he was caught by the cameras or something).
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Response to "Pretend" by Robert Elrod
"Pretend" by Robert Elrod is a story about a man who cannot keep it together. He is struggling to pay bills and he has no choice, but do make this decision one last time, the decision to rob someone. He chooses to do this at a far out gas station. He has done this many times before and is almost a pro at it, so he grips his .22. Things are never the same. From this point on, we learn the main character's desires in life. We do this through the eyes of a little boy named Nathan.
Overall, I think you have a great story. In my opinion, just about everything was working. I thought the dialogue was great, the characters were well developed, and the plot built itself up nicely.
The setting took place outside of a gas station and there was nothing either way for forty miles.
The story was told from the POV of the main character, thus showing all his trials and tribulations.
The character were extremely real. However, I wanted to see more character description. I feel like it would only benefit you to do so because it just strengthen the tension within your story. The thing I enjoyed most of about the character is how you created an unlikable character, but humanized him in such a way people had not choice, but to sympathize for him.
The opening is good and a nice start to the plot. I did want to see more scene description. Also, I wanted to see more emotion when dealing with the bills. Lastly, I wanted you to show us he was stressed, not simply tell us.
The closing was good and was not forced. In my opinion, it was a very good balance of the message and change. The most important part to me was learning how much the main character wanted a family, something to call his own, and maybe even a reason to live. The embrace he shared with Nathan was special. It was a connection and embraces he has longed for.
Overall, I think you have a great story. In my opinion, just about everything was working. I thought the dialogue was great, the characters were well developed, and the plot built itself up nicely.
The setting took place outside of a gas station and there was nothing either way for forty miles.
The story was told from the POV of the main character, thus showing all his trials and tribulations.
The character were extremely real. However, I wanted to see more character description. I feel like it would only benefit you to do so because it just strengthen the tension within your story. The thing I enjoyed most of about the character is how you created an unlikable character, but humanized him in such a way people had not choice, but to sympathize for him.
The opening is good and a nice start to the plot. I did want to see more scene description. Also, I wanted to see more emotion when dealing with the bills. Lastly, I wanted you to show us he was stressed, not simply tell us.
The closing was good and was not forced. In my opinion, it was a very good balance of the message and change. The most important part to me was learning how much the main character wanted a family, something to call his own, and maybe even a reason to live. The embrace he shared with Nathan was special. It was a connection and embraces he has longed for.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Response to "Short Story I" by Adam Smith
Adam Smith's story is about a girl who is being adopted, but her adoptive parent is a cautious recluse. The mother's name was Lucy and she was involved in home invasions during a world war. This has scared her for life and because of this, she plans to make her adopted daughter, Margaret, just as cautious. Until a certain point in the story, this works. Lucy warns her daughter of the horrors the world has to offer and labels them with the name "Wolves." Lucy follows her warnings for eight years, but grows weary of the situation. Yet, she chooses to follow the rules. That is, until Marcus, a door to door milk salesman, shows up at her door. He charms Margaret and eventually invites her to a play. After the play, Margaret sees the world for what it truly is. This stems from seeing Marcus hit a girl in the head with a brick. After witnessing this terrible event, Margaret runs home and says, "Wolves... The world is full of them."
Overall, I think you have a very different story with a good premise. I think telling it from a different culture made the story very interesting and exciting, which is important with a familiar tell.
The characters were well thought out, but I would add more dimensions to Marcus. A good time to incorporate that would be during the skit he is preforming in. Use that to show another side of him and then show how it affects Margaret. Also, I wanted to see more form the character of Aunt Judy. I feel like you opened several doors with her, but did not go back to them.
The setting was told from the perspective of margaret for most of the story. I would consider telling the entire story in her perspective for consistency reason. For example, show the adoption through her eyes. What her first impressions were of Lucy and what she thought of Judy.
I think the opening of your story was very good and very developed. I also really enjoyed the detailed descriptions used at the very beginning. However, I did want to see more details of London, her flat, and the orphanage.
My only worry with the story comes at the end. I feel like it was a bit forced. I wanted to see more involvement with Marcus. I feel like that was too loose of an end to leave. I think you have a great story and a great point, but I wanted a more definitive ending.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Response to "Holes Full of Dirt" by Ethan Hightower
"Holes Full of Dirt" is a story about a young boy trying to force himself to grow up. He chooses to do so to impress a girl, Ashlyn. Ashlyn is a sixteen year old and has been one of the main character's old friends. That being said, the main character has a crush on Ashlyn and wants to prove he is older than he seems and age is merely a number. In order to prove this, the main character decides to fix his road, which was commented on by Ashlyn. In doing such, he has a conversation with his friend Denver about trying to grow up. This conversation conveys a strong desire on the main character's part, but as the conversation continues it becomes clear the main character has no clue how.
Overall, I think you are working with a very interesting concept that has potential to be strong. In order to do so, I think the main character needs to develop more emotions. I also think you could accomplish this by developing the main character's and Ashlyn's relationship.
The characters were good, but they all need to be fleshed out more. For example, I think Denver's character is very important to the story and giving him more background would show a much stronger contrast with who he wants to be and what he actually is.
The story is told in first person. Honestly, I think this type of story is the most effective in first person.
The setting mostly takes place on the road, but it also takes place in Ashlyn's car. I think if you gave a stronger sense of setting and description, the characters personality would be easier to show.
I feel like they opening was good, but I wanted more description of both characters. I also wanted a stronger sense of setting. I really like how you used "The Killers" do establish one of your points. I think you should continue on that path because it is much more relatable.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. There was too much exposition at the end. I thought you point at the end was great and well said, but I want you to show me this through actions. For example, establish an emotional connection between the dad and the main character. Once establishing that, you can show these emotions and lessons without just bluntly saying it.
Overall, I think you are working with a very interesting concept that has potential to be strong. In order to do so, I think the main character needs to develop more emotions. I also think you could accomplish this by developing the main character's and Ashlyn's relationship.
The characters were good, but they all need to be fleshed out more. For example, I think Denver's character is very important to the story and giving him more background would show a much stronger contrast with who he wants to be and what he actually is.
The story is told in first person. Honestly, I think this type of story is the most effective in first person.
The setting mostly takes place on the road, but it also takes place in Ashlyn's car. I think if you gave a stronger sense of setting and description, the characters personality would be easier to show.
I feel like they opening was good, but I wanted more description of both characters. I also wanted a stronger sense of setting. I really like how you used "The Killers" do establish one of your points. I think you should continue on that path because it is much more relatable.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. There was too much exposition at the end. I thought you point at the end was great and well said, but I want you to show me this through actions. For example, establish an emotional connection between the dad and the main character. Once establishing that, you can show these emotions and lessons without just bluntly saying it.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Response to "The last bit of home-made sugar" by Nate Lundberg
"The last bit of home-made sugar" is a very interesting story about a young kid trying to figure out the essential parts of life. The story is based around a family that used to grow sugar can, something most cannot relate to, which included to the boy. However, instead of being bored with the subject he took the route of finding what makes it interesting. Essentially, he is being inquisitive about life itself. For example, the scene when the grandfather shows the boy the "bakala." Immediately the boy is drawn to it because of its engaging qualities.
Overall, I really like your humor. I think you have a great sense of placement when it comes to subtle one-liners. Like in the second paragraph when you describe your parents first encounter as a truly romantic tale. I also think you have an interesting perspective on growing up.
The characters were very realistic and very drawn out. Their use of dialogue was also very good and consistent. I thought your descriptions and development of the grandfather was great. You also had excellent imagery that accompanied it.
The story is told in first person, which is through the eyes of a young boy.
The setting is on a ridge, which contains a small set of neighbors and farm land.
The opening is good, but sometimes I wonder if you have too much detail. Sometimes you get so bogged down in description that it starts to take away from the characters. That being said, the opening has an appropriate amount in my opinion.
The closing was good and very realistic. I am glad you did not end it in the traditional way, instead you should how he was learning and growing from the situation before even knowing the outcome. I thought this was a very strong movie and hammered home the entire point of your story.
Overall, I really like your humor. I think you have a great sense of placement when it comes to subtle one-liners. Like in the second paragraph when you describe your parents first encounter as a truly romantic tale. I also think you have an interesting perspective on growing up.
The characters were very realistic and very drawn out. Their use of dialogue was also very good and consistent. I thought your descriptions and development of the grandfather was great. You also had excellent imagery that accompanied it.
The story is told in first person, which is through the eyes of a young boy.
The setting is on a ridge, which contains a small set of neighbors and farm land.
The opening is good, but sometimes I wonder if you have too much detail. Sometimes you get so bogged down in description that it starts to take away from the characters. That being said, the opening has an appropriate amount in my opinion.
The closing was good and very realistic. I am glad you did not end it in the traditional way, instead you should how he was learning and growing from the situation before even knowing the outcome. I thought this was a very strong movie and hammered home the entire point of your story.
Response to "Deception" by Laurel Kostakis
"Deception" is a story of a husband and wife growing apart and soon has grave consequences. The story begins as the couple find out there has been a few robberies across the neighborhood. Shortly after this, Kevin has to attend a dental conference, but really he is having an affair with cynthia. Marcy, Kevin's wife, starts to piece together the puzzle through clues and lose ends that Kevin is cheating. She also begins to fear for her life, which is due to all the robberies taking place. That night, Marcy is trying to sleep when she hears a disturbance. Trying to find a place to hide, she uses the closet and hopes for the best. Little did she know, it was Kevin coming home to murder her in her sleep. However, before Kevin can kill her, he is killed by another burglar (the same one committing all the robberies). As Marcy got her life back together, she bought a dog, sold the business, and lived close to the kids. She was slowly but surely trying to forget everything that happened.
Overall, I think you are working with a good concept. I think the story could be condensed in a few areas. It also needs to be re-worded in a few ares because it can be somewhat confusing.
The characters were good, but they were too "desperate housewife-ish." I wanted to see more development and personality within each one of the characters. For example, when Carol the gossip queen was telling them about the murders, it would be a great time to add some inner-dialogue. Show us more about the characters as well.
The story is told in first person, which is Marcy's point-of-view.
The setting mostly takes place in Kevin and Marcy's house, but it also takes place in their neighborhood.
The opening was good, but I would add more inner-dialogue. Also, consider adding more character personality at the beginning. It will add to the suspense you are trying to build. Also, consider making the first robbery story more vivid and malicious.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. I would work on re-wording some of your final paragraphs. I would also establish how she knew that kevin wanted to kill her over cynthia. Also, I would consider not ending it with the line "my husband bought them for me." In my opinion, that loses emotional appeal for the character.
Overall, I think you are working with a good concept. I think the story could be condensed in a few areas. It also needs to be re-worded in a few ares because it can be somewhat confusing.
The characters were good, but they were too "desperate housewife-ish." I wanted to see more development and personality within each one of the characters. For example, when Carol the gossip queen was telling them about the murders, it would be a great time to add some inner-dialogue. Show us more about the characters as well.
The story is told in first person, which is Marcy's point-of-view.
The setting mostly takes place in Kevin and Marcy's house, but it also takes place in their neighborhood.
The opening was good, but I would add more inner-dialogue. Also, consider adding more character personality at the beginning. It will add to the suspense you are trying to build. Also, consider making the first robbery story more vivid and malicious.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. I would work on re-wording some of your final paragraphs. I would also establish how she knew that kevin wanted to kill her over cynthia. Also, I would consider not ending it with the line "my husband bought them for me." In my opinion, that loses emotional appeal for the character.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Response to "Off" by Aimee Bender
Aimee Bender's Off is an interesting character study where the main character tries to push everyone and everything she knows away. The character does this due to a lack of self-worth, which is shown through the paintings that nobody truly appreciates, understands, or remembers. In doing so, she has detached herself from emotion, which, in her opinion, will keep her from getting hurt. This becomes evident when you see how she unfolds throughout the night, almost in a sense of desperation.
I really enjoyed Aimee Bender's story because I have friends who act just like this. By doing so, they are losing sight of reality and only hurting themselves in the end. That being said, I think she does an excellent job of conveying a realistic feeling of being lonely and trapped in your own stubborn personality. She also does a great job with the character's inner dialogue, which shows how much despair the character is truly in.
One of the most interesting parts of the story to me is her mention of the dog. In my opinion, it summarizes her personality without being direct. I think this is a very good tactic that forces you to pay close attention to the story and really analyze the character’s traits. A good example is when she names her dog “Off” only to confuse the people at the dog park. However, when the dog dies, she shows a sense of humanity and a bit of the vulnerability she holds. Then, as soon as you see a glimpse she rips it away by giving some of the ashes to her neighbor’s cat, which she considers poetic.
The other interesting part revolves around the idea of being “just another brick in the wall.” In my opinion, the main character truly wishes to attain this. She wants to be just like everyone, but has been forced in another direction. That being the case, she can never be accepted as that specific person everyone seems to embody. Therefore, she chooses to rebel against it and be the exact opposite, which makes herself the definition of her own point.
I really enjoyed Aimee Bender's story because I have friends who act just like this. By doing so, they are losing sight of reality and only hurting themselves in the end. That being said, I think she does an excellent job of conveying a realistic feeling of being lonely and trapped in your own stubborn personality. She also does a great job with the character's inner dialogue, which shows how much despair the character is truly in.
One of the most interesting parts of the story to me is her mention of the dog. In my opinion, it summarizes her personality without being direct. I think this is a very good tactic that forces you to pay close attention to the story and really analyze the character’s traits. A good example is when she names her dog “Off” only to confuse the people at the dog park. However, when the dog dies, she shows a sense of humanity and a bit of the vulnerability she holds. Then, as soon as you see a glimpse she rips it away by giving some of the ashes to her neighbor’s cat, which she considers poetic.
The other interesting part revolves around the idea of being “just another brick in the wall.” In my opinion, the main character truly wishes to attain this. She wants to be just like everyone, but has been forced in another direction. That being the case, she can never be accepted as that specific person everyone seems to embody. Therefore, she chooses to rebel against it and be the exact opposite, which makes herself the definition of her own point.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Response to "Leaving" by Rhamah Norris
"Leaving" is a story about two best friends named beth and katherine. At a young age, Katherine becomes a lesbian, while beth is manipulated into following. The rest of the story chronicles the deterioration of their relationship because of Beth's big secret, she's not actually bisexual. This is prompted by Beth's lacking sex drive and from that moment on she realizes the truth, but has no idea how to deal with it. So, she uses her only option and leaves.
Overall, I really like you dialogue. I think it is very realistic and very engaging. I was impressed how you pulled this off while still chronicling their relationship.
The characters were very realistic. They were also very well drawn out. I think you showed a lot about each character through their desires and actions, which is also why it was so engaging. The only thing I would question is if Katherine would understand those feelings that early and understand how to deal with them.
The story is told in first person, which is Beth's point-of-view.
The setting is a counseling office.
The opening needed more build up from the end. For example, I think you would have benefitted from describing the counselors officer and setting up the scene that way. Regardless, I think you should introduce them in counseling. In the opening, I thought you character descriptions were very good.
The closing was good. I enjoyed the fact that you did not have a forced ending or cliched, which it could have been easily. Instead you gave a much more realistic route, which I appreciate. I also liked your dialogue at the end, especially your last line "I just am" (Norris 6).
Overall, I really like you dialogue. I think it is very realistic and very engaging. I was impressed how you pulled this off while still chronicling their relationship.
The characters were very realistic. They were also very well drawn out. I think you showed a lot about each character through their desires and actions, which is also why it was so engaging. The only thing I would question is if Katherine would understand those feelings that early and understand how to deal with them.
The story is told in first person, which is Beth's point-of-view.
The setting is a counseling office.
The opening needed more build up from the end. For example, I think you would have benefitted from describing the counselors officer and setting up the scene that way. Regardless, I think you should introduce them in counseling. In the opening, I thought you character descriptions were very good.
The closing was good. I enjoyed the fact that you did not have a forced ending or cliched, which it could have been easily. Instead you gave a much more realistic route, which I appreciate. I also liked your dialogue at the end, especially your last line "I just am" (Norris 6).
Response to "Lessons" by J.J. Nelson
"Lessons" is a story about youth overtaking the modern era. The story takes place on a train and involves a conversation between an older gentlemen and a young boy, who is eager to attain a new perspective of life. During their conversation, the old man tries to depart some wisdom on the young boy, but he considers himself to be much smarter and agile than the old man. In the end, the young boy stole the old man's money and uttered, "Freaking amateurs." In my opinion, this represents a critique of how youth are replacing their predecessors, but raises the point of what the cost may be.
I really enjoyed the concept of the story, including the realistic dialogue between the old man and the youth. It provided a foundation to show the difference on their view of life. Also, your descriptions were very vivid and well though out.
I really enjoyed the concept of the story, including the realistic dialogue between the old man and the youth. It provided a foundation to show the difference on their view of life. Also, your descriptions were very vivid and well though out.
This story is written in first person, which makes it very effective. It also demonstrates the boy's personality more and does so without describing it too much.
The characters in the story are good, but I wanted more background on the boy. I felt like you left a few doors open within the character's statements. Specifically when the boy was mentioning his mother and the old man was talking about seeing bad things within life.
I think the structure works and everything is in order. The chronological order works well here and makes the story more cohesive.
The setting is understood to on a train and a bench.
The opening sets up the story to bring forth innocence in the boy. It does a good job of evoking the readers emotions when dealing with someone hungry for success and a better understanding of themselves.
In my opinion, the closing is what needs the most work and it is not necessarily the ending of the story. It has more to do with the build up of the story. For example, when the old man was giving his diatribe on life and hardships. I feel like the dialogue was very important, but it seemed a bit contrived. While it is realistic, I feel like you could make it more emotional. Perhaps, add why he has had such hardships. Use examples from his life to evoke those emotions.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Response to "New Coach" by Lauren Sides
"New Coach" is a story about Kaylee, who was once competitive cheerleader. This ended because she could not take the physical abuse from the new coach, Alex. Pushing her beyond safe limits, Alex caused her to tear her ACL and eventually pushed her to quit. He manipulated her into losing weight and potentially permanently damaging her body.
I would also like more description of the cheerleader moves.
I would also like more description of the cheerleader moves.
The characters are good and believable. I would have liked to see more character traits being shown and more details conveyed, especially with Alex.
This story is a good one. I would work on strengthening your conflict. Possible add internal thoughts or how the squad was reacting.
I think the structure is strong.
The setting mostly takes place in a gym. I would like more descriptions of the gym and the people in it.
In the opening, I would like to see less exposition and more first person narrative. I wanted to see her relive the moment described.
Response to "Mountain Blood" by Cary Bayless
"Mountain Blood" is a story about Chad Grune and his ability to fight the past. The story revolves around a faint memory involving his college sweetheart. As the story proceeds, we find out that she was murdered and Chad saw the body. Naturally, he felt responsible and has subjected himself to a world of pain because of it. This part of the story is told through memories, but takes place in present day.
I really enjoyed the use of Beau. I thought using him as the motivation for telling the story was a strong move and added a nice dimension to the character. I would have like to see a little more background on him, but overall he was a strong part of the story.
The characters are really good. As I stated above, I think Beau is a very strong character. Also, your description of the police were good. I found Chad a little too repressed at times, but he was believable for the most part.
I thought the dialogue between Beau and Chad was good. It seemed pretty realistic. Being right out of college, would they still talk like this or a bit more adult?
I think your story flows very well and I never had a problem figuring out what was happening.
The setting is understood to be in the mountains, more specifically in and around a cabin.
The opening does a good job of setting up the story. I would personally like more detail on the cabin. I would also like a little more inner conflict while walking back to the cabin.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Response to "Dreams" by Jeremy Hare
“Dreams” is a story about a person who just will not give up. Once picked on as a kid, Sora, needed help from the captain. She was once too weak to defend herself and with the help of the captain, she was able to stop the bullying. However, Sora still felt weak and puny. She had a drive to be better and strong, so she asked the captain for help. He denied, but gave her a strong piece of advice, “If I could become strong enough to beat him, he would teach me” (Hare 4). As the strong willed hero always does, the challenge began and occurred every day. Upon telling this story to Hikari, Sora never thought any differently. Yet, as the ending showed it didn’t matter because she was never going to give up.
I like the idea behind the story and the use of unconventional character names. By using the different names, it made me pay attention more. I also liked most of your dialogue.
This story is written with a third person narrator. While the dialogue does take up most of the story, I was left wanting more from the main character. I would consider trying it in first person and seeing how the story turns out. It would make some of the dialogue more interesting as well.
The characters in the story are good for the most part. I feel like Hikari needs to have more significance. That character tried to bring forth a revelation, yet fell somewhat short.
This story feels like one giant scene instead of an entire story. This is able to work, but I would be more descriptive in my flashbacks. I would also flesh out the ending a little more.
The story itself needs more description, especially within the main character. Outside of being weak, we really know nothing about them.
I think the structure works and everything is in order
The setting is understood to be a karate club, but I would like more description of the club itself and the battle ground at the end.
The opening sets up the story to make Hikari a more prominent role, yet I feel Hikari came up short in some areas. I do like the character, but it needs to be more descriptive. Also, the character needs to have a more pivotal role.
The closing, for me, needs to be developed more. I think it could be a great ending, but just needs a few things added.
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