"The Grind" is about a fresh graduate from Boston University, who is named Skipper Fischer. Skip is an excellent writer looking to make it on a late night talk show. The majority of the story goes through Skip's interview process and how it affects him. Skip is very determined throughout this whole process and even gets an interview with the talk show host himself, Stewart Donahue. Yet, in Skip's final interview he sees how corrupted the T.V. show business is and wants nothing to do with it. In a fit of rage, he tosses his notebook on the table and walks out without any care.
Overall, I was very intrigued by your story. I think you have a good sense of setting, which is show through some great descriptions. I also liked your characters, especially Donahue. You also have a very good sense of humor, as shown through a few of the one liners.
The setting revolves around the interview and the Late Night talk show, which is in a tv studio in New York. I would work on a few of your descriptions regarding setting. I think you need a better balance of descriptive because at times you are extremely descriptive and then sometimes you are not. I want to see a more cohesive level of descriptions.
The story is told through the eyes of Skipper Fisher, which is effective in my mind. I think this story would be interesting if you found a way to incorporate a Matin's and Mr. Donahue's perspective. I believe this would give it a very interesting contrast.
I think your characters are good and are well drawn out. I did want more description from Martin, but Skip and Donahue were described very well.
Overall, the begging was good, but I think it could be condensed in a few places. I feel at times you go a little too far with the background information.
The ending was good, but I wanted to see more with Skip. I wanted to see him walkout and what he was thinking, perhaps how it was affecting him. Use this to show a strong emotional change in him because this was something he was permanently attached to and now it is gone in seconds.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"Over the Counter" by Kody Blackwell
"Over the Counter" is a story about a man in the midst of tough times. He has a family, divorced, and the bills are stacking up. In order to deal with this, he learns of selling prescription drugs to make money on the side. This causes a personal dilemma within his life because he has a family to consider, not to mention all the moral convictions he would be voiding. However, is house is being foreclosed on and he does not have much choice. At the end, he decides to steal the pills when nobody is looking and begin his selling of illegal drugs for the sake of his family.
Overall, the story has a solid premise. I think you also did a good job with the main character's self-confliction. He is put in a pretty rough situation and I think he gives a pretty realistic reaction (stealing the pills.) In my opinion, I think the kids were very good characters; however, you do need to make them more involved. I also found it interesting that Preacher John was used to contrast his conscience. I thought that was a good tactic, even if he fell asleep in church.
The setting takes place over the span of a few places. The majority of it takes place in the pharmacy. It also takes place at a bar, church, house, and "Mama's" house. I think you should focus more on a direct setting. Obviously the bar and the pharmacy are your main two.
The story is told from the eyes of the main character.
The characters in the story have potential to be very good, but as it stands I think they need to be fleshed out more, especially the main character. To me, the main character has a sense of desperation when considering his wife. I would like to see that more and possibly and explanation why. I think you could do some really interesting character contrasts with Tim and the main character. Also, I want to know more about the kids and how the affect the main character's life besides the obvious. I would also like to see how the divorce affects the kids on a general level.
The opening was good as a whole. I really enjoyed the church scene and thought you did a good job depicting it. The only thing I would suggest, is making the main character feel bad about falling asleep in church. I think this because it will make his moral convictions more believable later, especially in the case of stealing the drugs. This would also give him a a stronger sense of humility, which you need to feel sympathy for the character.
I feel like the ending was missing something. That being said, I would develop the ending more and maybe even give an outcome. I would personally like to know what happened with the main character (If he was caught by the cameras or something).
Overall, the story has a solid premise. I think you also did a good job with the main character's self-confliction. He is put in a pretty rough situation and I think he gives a pretty realistic reaction (stealing the pills.) In my opinion, I think the kids were very good characters; however, you do need to make them more involved. I also found it interesting that Preacher John was used to contrast his conscience. I thought that was a good tactic, even if he fell asleep in church.
The setting takes place over the span of a few places. The majority of it takes place in the pharmacy. It also takes place at a bar, church, house, and "Mama's" house. I think you should focus more on a direct setting. Obviously the bar and the pharmacy are your main two.
The story is told from the eyes of the main character.
The characters in the story have potential to be very good, but as it stands I think they need to be fleshed out more, especially the main character. To me, the main character has a sense of desperation when considering his wife. I would like to see that more and possibly and explanation why. I think you could do some really interesting character contrasts with Tim and the main character. Also, I want to know more about the kids and how the affect the main character's life besides the obvious. I would also like to see how the divorce affects the kids on a general level.
The opening was good as a whole. I really enjoyed the church scene and thought you did a good job depicting it. The only thing I would suggest, is making the main character feel bad about falling asleep in church. I think this because it will make his moral convictions more believable later, especially in the case of stealing the drugs. This would also give him a a stronger sense of humility, which you need to feel sympathy for the character.
I feel like the ending was missing something. That being said, I would develop the ending more and maybe even give an outcome. I would personally like to know what happened with the main character (If he was caught by the cameras or something).
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Response to "Pretend" by Robert Elrod
"Pretend" by Robert Elrod is a story about a man who cannot keep it together. He is struggling to pay bills and he has no choice, but do make this decision one last time, the decision to rob someone. He chooses to do this at a far out gas station. He has done this many times before and is almost a pro at it, so he grips his .22. Things are never the same. From this point on, we learn the main character's desires in life. We do this through the eyes of a little boy named Nathan.
Overall, I think you have a great story. In my opinion, just about everything was working. I thought the dialogue was great, the characters were well developed, and the plot built itself up nicely.
The setting took place outside of a gas station and there was nothing either way for forty miles.
The story was told from the POV of the main character, thus showing all his trials and tribulations.
The character were extremely real. However, I wanted to see more character description. I feel like it would only benefit you to do so because it just strengthen the tension within your story. The thing I enjoyed most of about the character is how you created an unlikable character, but humanized him in such a way people had not choice, but to sympathize for him.
The opening is good and a nice start to the plot. I did want to see more scene description. Also, I wanted to see more emotion when dealing with the bills. Lastly, I wanted you to show us he was stressed, not simply tell us.
The closing was good and was not forced. In my opinion, it was a very good balance of the message and change. The most important part to me was learning how much the main character wanted a family, something to call his own, and maybe even a reason to live. The embrace he shared with Nathan was special. It was a connection and embraces he has longed for.
Overall, I think you have a great story. In my opinion, just about everything was working. I thought the dialogue was great, the characters were well developed, and the plot built itself up nicely.
The setting took place outside of a gas station and there was nothing either way for forty miles.
The story was told from the POV of the main character, thus showing all his trials and tribulations.
The character were extremely real. However, I wanted to see more character description. I feel like it would only benefit you to do so because it just strengthen the tension within your story. The thing I enjoyed most of about the character is how you created an unlikable character, but humanized him in such a way people had not choice, but to sympathize for him.
The opening is good and a nice start to the plot. I did want to see more scene description. Also, I wanted to see more emotion when dealing with the bills. Lastly, I wanted you to show us he was stressed, not simply tell us.
The closing was good and was not forced. In my opinion, it was a very good balance of the message and change. The most important part to me was learning how much the main character wanted a family, something to call his own, and maybe even a reason to live. The embrace he shared with Nathan was special. It was a connection and embraces he has longed for.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Response to "Short Story I" by Adam Smith
Adam Smith's story is about a girl who is being adopted, but her adoptive parent is a cautious recluse. The mother's name was Lucy and she was involved in home invasions during a world war. This has scared her for life and because of this, she plans to make her adopted daughter, Margaret, just as cautious. Until a certain point in the story, this works. Lucy warns her daughter of the horrors the world has to offer and labels them with the name "Wolves." Lucy follows her warnings for eight years, but grows weary of the situation. Yet, she chooses to follow the rules. That is, until Marcus, a door to door milk salesman, shows up at her door. He charms Margaret and eventually invites her to a play. After the play, Margaret sees the world for what it truly is. This stems from seeing Marcus hit a girl in the head with a brick. After witnessing this terrible event, Margaret runs home and says, "Wolves... The world is full of them."
Overall, I think you have a very different story with a good premise. I think telling it from a different culture made the story very interesting and exciting, which is important with a familiar tell.
The characters were well thought out, but I would add more dimensions to Marcus. A good time to incorporate that would be during the skit he is preforming in. Use that to show another side of him and then show how it affects Margaret. Also, I wanted to see more form the character of Aunt Judy. I feel like you opened several doors with her, but did not go back to them.
The setting was told from the perspective of margaret for most of the story. I would consider telling the entire story in her perspective for consistency reason. For example, show the adoption through her eyes. What her first impressions were of Lucy and what she thought of Judy.
I think the opening of your story was very good and very developed. I also really enjoyed the detailed descriptions used at the very beginning. However, I did want to see more details of London, her flat, and the orphanage.
My only worry with the story comes at the end. I feel like it was a bit forced. I wanted to see more involvement with Marcus. I feel like that was too loose of an end to leave. I think you have a great story and a great point, but I wanted a more definitive ending.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Response to "Holes Full of Dirt" by Ethan Hightower
"Holes Full of Dirt" is a story about a young boy trying to force himself to grow up. He chooses to do so to impress a girl, Ashlyn. Ashlyn is a sixteen year old and has been one of the main character's old friends. That being said, the main character has a crush on Ashlyn and wants to prove he is older than he seems and age is merely a number. In order to prove this, the main character decides to fix his road, which was commented on by Ashlyn. In doing such, he has a conversation with his friend Denver about trying to grow up. This conversation conveys a strong desire on the main character's part, but as the conversation continues it becomes clear the main character has no clue how.
Overall, I think you are working with a very interesting concept that has potential to be strong. In order to do so, I think the main character needs to develop more emotions. I also think you could accomplish this by developing the main character's and Ashlyn's relationship.
The characters were good, but they all need to be fleshed out more. For example, I think Denver's character is very important to the story and giving him more background would show a much stronger contrast with who he wants to be and what he actually is.
The story is told in first person. Honestly, I think this type of story is the most effective in first person.
The setting mostly takes place on the road, but it also takes place in Ashlyn's car. I think if you gave a stronger sense of setting and description, the characters personality would be easier to show.
I feel like they opening was good, but I wanted more description of both characters. I also wanted a stronger sense of setting. I really like how you used "The Killers" do establish one of your points. I think you should continue on that path because it is much more relatable.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. There was too much exposition at the end. I thought you point at the end was great and well said, but I want you to show me this through actions. For example, establish an emotional connection between the dad and the main character. Once establishing that, you can show these emotions and lessons without just bluntly saying it.
Overall, I think you are working with a very interesting concept that has potential to be strong. In order to do so, I think the main character needs to develop more emotions. I also think you could accomplish this by developing the main character's and Ashlyn's relationship.
The characters were good, but they all need to be fleshed out more. For example, I think Denver's character is very important to the story and giving him more background would show a much stronger contrast with who he wants to be and what he actually is.
The story is told in first person. Honestly, I think this type of story is the most effective in first person.
The setting mostly takes place on the road, but it also takes place in Ashlyn's car. I think if you gave a stronger sense of setting and description, the characters personality would be easier to show.
I feel like they opening was good, but I wanted more description of both characters. I also wanted a stronger sense of setting. I really like how you used "The Killers" do establish one of your points. I think you should continue on that path because it is much more relatable.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. There was too much exposition at the end. I thought you point at the end was great and well said, but I want you to show me this through actions. For example, establish an emotional connection between the dad and the main character. Once establishing that, you can show these emotions and lessons without just bluntly saying it.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Response to "The last bit of home-made sugar" by Nate Lundberg
"The last bit of home-made sugar" is a very interesting story about a young kid trying to figure out the essential parts of life. The story is based around a family that used to grow sugar can, something most cannot relate to, which included to the boy. However, instead of being bored with the subject he took the route of finding what makes it interesting. Essentially, he is being inquisitive about life itself. For example, the scene when the grandfather shows the boy the "bakala." Immediately the boy is drawn to it because of its engaging qualities.
Overall, I really like your humor. I think you have a great sense of placement when it comes to subtle one-liners. Like in the second paragraph when you describe your parents first encounter as a truly romantic tale. I also think you have an interesting perspective on growing up.
The characters were very realistic and very drawn out. Their use of dialogue was also very good and consistent. I thought your descriptions and development of the grandfather was great. You also had excellent imagery that accompanied it.
The story is told in first person, which is through the eyes of a young boy.
The setting is on a ridge, which contains a small set of neighbors and farm land.
The opening is good, but sometimes I wonder if you have too much detail. Sometimes you get so bogged down in description that it starts to take away from the characters. That being said, the opening has an appropriate amount in my opinion.
The closing was good and very realistic. I am glad you did not end it in the traditional way, instead you should how he was learning and growing from the situation before even knowing the outcome. I thought this was a very strong movie and hammered home the entire point of your story.
Overall, I really like your humor. I think you have a great sense of placement when it comes to subtle one-liners. Like in the second paragraph when you describe your parents first encounter as a truly romantic tale. I also think you have an interesting perspective on growing up.
The characters were very realistic and very drawn out. Their use of dialogue was also very good and consistent. I thought your descriptions and development of the grandfather was great. You also had excellent imagery that accompanied it.
The story is told in first person, which is through the eyes of a young boy.
The setting is on a ridge, which contains a small set of neighbors and farm land.
The opening is good, but sometimes I wonder if you have too much detail. Sometimes you get so bogged down in description that it starts to take away from the characters. That being said, the opening has an appropriate amount in my opinion.
The closing was good and very realistic. I am glad you did not end it in the traditional way, instead you should how he was learning and growing from the situation before even knowing the outcome. I thought this was a very strong movie and hammered home the entire point of your story.
Response to "Deception" by Laurel Kostakis
"Deception" is a story of a husband and wife growing apart and soon has grave consequences. The story begins as the couple find out there has been a few robberies across the neighborhood. Shortly after this, Kevin has to attend a dental conference, but really he is having an affair with cynthia. Marcy, Kevin's wife, starts to piece together the puzzle through clues and lose ends that Kevin is cheating. She also begins to fear for her life, which is due to all the robberies taking place. That night, Marcy is trying to sleep when she hears a disturbance. Trying to find a place to hide, she uses the closet and hopes for the best. Little did she know, it was Kevin coming home to murder her in her sleep. However, before Kevin can kill her, he is killed by another burglar (the same one committing all the robberies). As Marcy got her life back together, she bought a dog, sold the business, and lived close to the kids. She was slowly but surely trying to forget everything that happened.
Overall, I think you are working with a good concept. I think the story could be condensed in a few areas. It also needs to be re-worded in a few ares because it can be somewhat confusing.
The characters were good, but they were too "desperate housewife-ish." I wanted to see more development and personality within each one of the characters. For example, when Carol the gossip queen was telling them about the murders, it would be a great time to add some inner-dialogue. Show us more about the characters as well.
The story is told in first person, which is Marcy's point-of-view.
The setting mostly takes place in Kevin and Marcy's house, but it also takes place in their neighborhood.
The opening was good, but I would add more inner-dialogue. Also, consider adding more character personality at the beginning. It will add to the suspense you are trying to build. Also, consider making the first robbery story more vivid and malicious.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. I would work on re-wording some of your final paragraphs. I would also establish how she knew that kevin wanted to kill her over cynthia. Also, I would consider not ending it with the line "my husband bought them for me." In my opinion, that loses emotional appeal for the character.
Overall, I think you are working with a good concept. I think the story could be condensed in a few areas. It also needs to be re-worded in a few ares because it can be somewhat confusing.
The characters were good, but they were too "desperate housewife-ish." I wanted to see more development and personality within each one of the characters. For example, when Carol the gossip queen was telling them about the murders, it would be a great time to add some inner-dialogue. Show us more about the characters as well.
The story is told in first person, which is Marcy's point-of-view.
The setting mostly takes place in Kevin and Marcy's house, but it also takes place in their neighborhood.
The opening was good, but I would add more inner-dialogue. Also, consider adding more character personality at the beginning. It will add to the suspense you are trying to build. Also, consider making the first robbery story more vivid and malicious.
The closing was good, but it kind of felt forced at times. I would work on re-wording some of your final paragraphs. I would also establish how she knew that kevin wanted to kill her over cynthia. Also, I would consider not ending it with the line "my husband bought them for me." In my opinion, that loses emotional appeal for the character.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Response to "Off" by Aimee Bender
Aimee Bender's Off is an interesting character study where the main character tries to push everyone and everything she knows away. The character does this due to a lack of self-worth, which is shown through the paintings that nobody truly appreciates, understands, or remembers. In doing so, she has detached herself from emotion, which, in her opinion, will keep her from getting hurt. This becomes evident when you see how she unfolds throughout the night, almost in a sense of desperation.
I really enjoyed Aimee Bender's story because I have friends who act just like this. By doing so, they are losing sight of reality and only hurting themselves in the end. That being said, I think she does an excellent job of conveying a realistic feeling of being lonely and trapped in your own stubborn personality. She also does a great job with the character's inner dialogue, which shows how much despair the character is truly in.
One of the most interesting parts of the story to me is her mention of the dog. In my opinion, it summarizes her personality without being direct. I think this is a very good tactic that forces you to pay close attention to the story and really analyze the character’s traits. A good example is when she names her dog “Off” only to confuse the people at the dog park. However, when the dog dies, she shows a sense of humanity and a bit of the vulnerability she holds. Then, as soon as you see a glimpse she rips it away by giving some of the ashes to her neighbor’s cat, which she considers poetic.
The other interesting part revolves around the idea of being “just another brick in the wall.” In my opinion, the main character truly wishes to attain this. She wants to be just like everyone, but has been forced in another direction. That being the case, she can never be accepted as that specific person everyone seems to embody. Therefore, she chooses to rebel against it and be the exact opposite, which makes herself the definition of her own point.
I really enjoyed Aimee Bender's story because I have friends who act just like this. By doing so, they are losing sight of reality and only hurting themselves in the end. That being said, I think she does an excellent job of conveying a realistic feeling of being lonely and trapped in your own stubborn personality. She also does a great job with the character's inner dialogue, which shows how much despair the character is truly in.
One of the most interesting parts of the story to me is her mention of the dog. In my opinion, it summarizes her personality without being direct. I think this is a very good tactic that forces you to pay close attention to the story and really analyze the character’s traits. A good example is when she names her dog “Off” only to confuse the people at the dog park. However, when the dog dies, she shows a sense of humanity and a bit of the vulnerability she holds. Then, as soon as you see a glimpse she rips it away by giving some of the ashes to her neighbor’s cat, which she considers poetic.
The other interesting part revolves around the idea of being “just another brick in the wall.” In my opinion, the main character truly wishes to attain this. She wants to be just like everyone, but has been forced in another direction. That being the case, she can never be accepted as that specific person everyone seems to embody. Therefore, she chooses to rebel against it and be the exact opposite, which makes herself the definition of her own point.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Response to "Leaving" by Rhamah Norris
"Leaving" is a story about two best friends named beth and katherine. At a young age, Katherine becomes a lesbian, while beth is manipulated into following. The rest of the story chronicles the deterioration of their relationship because of Beth's big secret, she's not actually bisexual. This is prompted by Beth's lacking sex drive and from that moment on she realizes the truth, but has no idea how to deal with it. So, she uses her only option and leaves.
Overall, I really like you dialogue. I think it is very realistic and very engaging. I was impressed how you pulled this off while still chronicling their relationship.
The characters were very realistic. They were also very well drawn out. I think you showed a lot about each character through their desires and actions, which is also why it was so engaging. The only thing I would question is if Katherine would understand those feelings that early and understand how to deal with them.
The story is told in first person, which is Beth's point-of-view.
The setting is a counseling office.
The opening needed more build up from the end. For example, I think you would have benefitted from describing the counselors officer and setting up the scene that way. Regardless, I think you should introduce them in counseling. In the opening, I thought you character descriptions were very good.
The closing was good. I enjoyed the fact that you did not have a forced ending or cliched, which it could have been easily. Instead you gave a much more realistic route, which I appreciate. I also liked your dialogue at the end, especially your last line "I just am" (Norris 6).
Overall, I really like you dialogue. I think it is very realistic and very engaging. I was impressed how you pulled this off while still chronicling their relationship.
The characters were very realistic. They were also very well drawn out. I think you showed a lot about each character through their desires and actions, which is also why it was so engaging. The only thing I would question is if Katherine would understand those feelings that early and understand how to deal with them.
The story is told in first person, which is Beth's point-of-view.
The setting is a counseling office.
The opening needed more build up from the end. For example, I think you would have benefitted from describing the counselors officer and setting up the scene that way. Regardless, I think you should introduce them in counseling. In the opening, I thought you character descriptions were very good.
The closing was good. I enjoyed the fact that you did not have a forced ending or cliched, which it could have been easily. Instead you gave a much more realistic route, which I appreciate. I also liked your dialogue at the end, especially your last line "I just am" (Norris 6).
Response to "Lessons" by J.J. Nelson
"Lessons" is a story about youth overtaking the modern era. The story takes place on a train and involves a conversation between an older gentlemen and a young boy, who is eager to attain a new perspective of life. During their conversation, the old man tries to depart some wisdom on the young boy, but he considers himself to be much smarter and agile than the old man. In the end, the young boy stole the old man's money and uttered, "Freaking amateurs." In my opinion, this represents a critique of how youth are replacing their predecessors, but raises the point of what the cost may be.
I really enjoyed the concept of the story, including the realistic dialogue between the old man and the youth. It provided a foundation to show the difference on their view of life. Also, your descriptions were very vivid and well though out.
I really enjoyed the concept of the story, including the realistic dialogue between the old man and the youth. It provided a foundation to show the difference on their view of life. Also, your descriptions were very vivid and well though out.
This story is written in first person, which makes it very effective. It also demonstrates the boy's personality more and does so without describing it too much.
The characters in the story are good, but I wanted more background on the boy. I felt like you left a few doors open within the character's statements. Specifically when the boy was mentioning his mother and the old man was talking about seeing bad things within life.
I think the structure works and everything is in order. The chronological order works well here and makes the story more cohesive.
The setting is understood to on a train and a bench.
The opening sets up the story to bring forth innocence in the boy. It does a good job of evoking the readers emotions when dealing with someone hungry for success and a better understanding of themselves.
In my opinion, the closing is what needs the most work and it is not necessarily the ending of the story. It has more to do with the build up of the story. For example, when the old man was giving his diatribe on life and hardships. I feel like the dialogue was very important, but it seemed a bit contrived. While it is realistic, I feel like you could make it more emotional. Perhaps, add why he has had such hardships. Use examples from his life to evoke those emotions.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Response to "New Coach" by Lauren Sides
"New Coach" is a story about Kaylee, who was once competitive cheerleader. This ended because she could not take the physical abuse from the new coach, Alex. Pushing her beyond safe limits, Alex caused her to tear her ACL and eventually pushed her to quit. He manipulated her into losing weight and potentially permanently damaging her body.
I would also like more description of the cheerleader moves.
I would also like more description of the cheerleader moves.
The characters are good and believable. I would have liked to see more character traits being shown and more details conveyed, especially with Alex.
This story is a good one. I would work on strengthening your conflict. Possible add internal thoughts or how the squad was reacting.
I think the structure is strong.
The setting mostly takes place in a gym. I would like more descriptions of the gym and the people in it.
In the opening, I would like to see less exposition and more first person narrative. I wanted to see her relive the moment described.
Response to "Mountain Blood" by Cary Bayless
"Mountain Blood" is a story about Chad Grune and his ability to fight the past. The story revolves around a faint memory involving his college sweetheart. As the story proceeds, we find out that she was murdered and Chad saw the body. Naturally, he felt responsible and has subjected himself to a world of pain because of it. This part of the story is told through memories, but takes place in present day.
I really enjoyed the use of Beau. I thought using him as the motivation for telling the story was a strong move and added a nice dimension to the character. I would have like to see a little more background on him, but overall he was a strong part of the story.
The characters are really good. As I stated above, I think Beau is a very strong character. Also, your description of the police were good. I found Chad a little too repressed at times, but he was believable for the most part.
I thought the dialogue between Beau and Chad was good. It seemed pretty realistic. Being right out of college, would they still talk like this or a bit more adult?
I think your story flows very well and I never had a problem figuring out what was happening.
The setting is understood to be in the mountains, more specifically in and around a cabin.
The opening does a good job of setting up the story. I would personally like more detail on the cabin. I would also like a little more inner conflict while walking back to the cabin.
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